I Fell Off An Emotional Cliff

I fell off an emotional cliff last weekend—in a fantastic mood one minute, and the next, a loaf on the couch, binging cold-case documentaries on Netflix, eating everything I could get my paws on (nothing exciting as Brian hides all the good stuff).

Most of all, I've been afraid of being seen and simultaneously of being irrelevant (It's like slamming your foot on the gas while yanking the emergency break).  

I’m pretty sure I know what shifted, and it had to do with the part of my ego that hides in corners, biting her nails, thinking I need to stay small, shut up, and know my place.

Oh, how I wish we could erase the self-sabotaging parts of our inner world with an I Dream of Genie blink, but that’s not how it works.

In fact, it's the belief and expectation that we should be able to do that that causes self-sabotage more than anything else.

Why? Because there are two parts to any habit. 

If the first part of the self-sabotage habit is to fall into a face-stuffing cloud of self-loathing, then the second part of the habit is to judge the first part.

Red Hawk says:

“Everything is what it is, exactly as it is; all meaning and all suffering derive from judging it as good or bad, which is arbitrary, subjective, relative, and meaningless.”

You know he’s right because the guy who watches sports and eats chips all day, feeling great about giving himself a well-deserved rest, exists.

The fantasy that there is a “right” and a “wrong,” a “good” and a “bad” is your mind’s way of scaring you into submission, and it’s powerful because it’s fear-based, well-rehearsed and very determined.

It can and does run people’s entire lives, and no manner of telling it to shut up with your intellect will silence it.

What will? Non-judgmental observation (over a devastatingly long period of time).

It won’t go away, but it will stand down so you can get on with your life using more productive parts of your inner world.

So, I lost the first part of the self-sabotage battle for three hours on the couch, but I won the second half by intentionally witnessing without judgment.

And that, my friend, is the difference between an inevitable rendezvous with the less-than-desirable parts of my inner world and suffering those inevitable rendezvous’.