Paralysis

Not gonna lie... I dragged ASS last week.

It probably started Wednesday and bled into Thursday. Friday was so packed I couldn't dwell, and I teetered all weekend.

Sometimes I'm paralyzed with fear which manifests in a generalized dread. I'm likely telling myself things like:

• I have nothing to offer.

• Why am I doing any of this?

• Who do I think I am?

• People do what I do MUCH better than me (is it I or me?) Sigh. Who cares.

• And other bullshit blah blah blah.

So I didn't post in my FB group, and I didn't post on FB, and I procrastinated on all the content I was supposed to create.

Because those are the inactions that these thoughts and emotions lead to.

I perked way up on my executive clients' calls watching them take bold steps that are transforming their relationships and how they view themselves, and I got excited on my health client calls, hearing new leases on life, buying clothes three times smaller and all the spring cleaning that was being done with the extra energy.

And then, I fell back into FEAR about how all my inaction was impacting my business and how I was creating a destructive energy field around me. That gave me more to panic about, ha!

This happens to me occasionally, and when it does, I watch helplessly as my mind and body drag me around a melodrama that only takes place in my head.

Don't get me wrong - I try to pull out all the stops.

• I "meditated."

• I worked out.

• I went to the beach and grounded.

• I practiced self-compassion for what I was not doing.

• I let myself watch TV while I responded to emails, so at least I'd get it done.

• I took naps, plural.

• I tried to hold myself accountable to which of those activities were productive and which were only avoidant.

But at the end of the day, I observed because, in reality, little can be done.

The mind is insanely powerful, and when I'm being hijacked, the best I can do is not to fuel those emotions with attention.

I NEVER ask Why anymore...no, no, no, because the answer is: Because.

It's true, I was reminded how I get like this when I'm in the middle of an up-leveling, so it's possible it was my old self trying to hold me back from my new self, but even that suggestion conjured a yawn... too much apathy to care.

And the truth is that: a) it doesn't matter, I'll find out soon enough, and b) we don't have control over the wild stallion that is our brain.

So, that's where I was last week and where I will be again at one point or another and it has no relevance to my work, my worth, my life, my past, or my future.

Some weeks are just ... like that.

PS: The picture was taken at 1:30 PM on Saturday, forcing myself to do something, still in my jammies.