Back from retreat
I spent the last ten days in silence (unimaginable, I know).
There was no communication – no “Imma losing my mind” eye rolls, no feeble attempts at a smile, no victory fist bumps, nada.
We meditated ten hours a day; no exercise, nothing to read or write, and the last full meal of the day was at 11 AM (which oddly turned out to be just fine).
In other words, I was devoid of crutches and given no secret exits out of my mind’s ghetto. It was like a friendly concentration camp minus the antisemitism and starvation.
People go to these retreats—multiple times—and my hat, hairclips, and barrettes go off to them because it’s not for the faint of heart. Considering that I’m obsessed with self-evolution, the difficulty was humbling.
The torture by day three was unadulterated. Day seven, I was certain I’d crack up momentarily. On day eight, I was angry, and by day nine, I worried there’d be no arc to my story: “She came, she got angry, she left.”
For many newbies like me, day 10 brought a here-to-fore unexperienced flood of relief.
And then there were those who emerged with hummingbirds and glitter haloing their heads. I guess they were lucky enough to escape their ego’s madness while mine kicked, scratched, intellectualized, complained, compared, and threw a grand mal tantrum.
So why did I do it?” For the same reason I do any of my practices, study what I study, and teach what I teach—freedom. The freedom that comes with mastery of self.
There is pain in life, and there is suffering. Pain is inevitable; shit happens. But suffering is the story we wrap around that pain, the narrative we continue to hammer in our minds and to whoever will listen - and that shit’s optional.
Did I out of it what I’d “hoped for,” many ask? No, because I had no hopes.
I went in, curious and willing. I came out with a greater understanding of the areas in which I keep myself in shackles, and I made progress in bringing equanimity to all that life brings.
The discourse each night ended with something like, “May we all enjoy peace and happiness.”
The white lines say – may you enjoy peace and happiness no matter what is occurring or not occurring in your life.
More to come on these ten days (I had so many funny things to say and no one to tell!).
Until then, may you experience peace and happiness today and all days.
